Finding Forgiveness

My parents aren’t here today to discuss the anger and disappointment that I have felt towards them. As an adult and mother I can appreciate the position they were in. My pregnancy overwhelmed them to say the least, and I believe their silence – not seeking professional help, or the support of family or friends – made matters worse for them. I’m certain if they knew the measures I was willing to take to keep my baby, they would have moved heaven and earth to prevent me and my child from the danger that we were facing. Although our relationship was greatly diminished for four years, I always knew my parents loved me and wanted the best for me. I have forgiven both my mother and my father.

I am not immune to responsibility in this matter. I had very little to offer a child, a mother with at least a high school diploma, a job, emotional maturity. All I had was my love and my will. The best thing I could have done for my son was put him up for adoption. However, I was on a tragic path that was going to have negative consequences on my child. Although he was never put in harms way, I carried the guilt with me for decades. I don’t recall if I read or it was suggested to me that I write my child a letter, but I took the advise. I apologized profusely to him, and to this day, I continue to write to him. Even with therapy it took a very long time to forgive myself. I think one of the most powerful statements made to me was, “You were a child. At that age you are not capable of making adult decisions.” Those words came from a woman that I have been friends with since the third grade. Her words, the support of family and friends, my therapist, and my husband have all aided me in forgiving myself. While I made a very poor decision at the age of 13, I made better ones each day after.

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